Free Soloing the Mountain of Caregiving
“I’ve done a lot of thinking about fear. For me the crucial question is not how to climb without fear-that’s impossible- but how to deal with it when it creeps into your nerve endings.”
Alex Honnold
Mike has been away this week, so I’m holding down the fort, taking care of our 2 teenagers, one of whom has special needs. The timing is unfortunate because my son Jack has launched into his insomnia phase that I’ve written about here and here. He hasn’t slept in days.
I’m terrified that something weird might happen in the middle of the night when I’m not watching, yet I know I have to sleep. So I mimic the slumber of an on-call resident, bolting awake at the slightest noise.
In my desperation to survive this week of solo parenting, I sought out true stories of people overcoming far worse obstacles than my own in order to gain perspective and help me to cope. This search led me to an extreme mountain climbing documentary. (Whether this activity is liberating or suicidal is a debate for another day).
Yet while the idea of rock climbing makes me ill (heights freak me out!), I appreciate the psychological strategies needed to accomplish this feat and get back down in one piece.
This particular documentary was about Alex Honnold, a free solo climber. This means he intentionally climbs mountains by himself without even a safety harness as backup. A misstep in his world is fatal. (For those interested, the name of the movie is Free Solo.)
Why does he do it? Why do I care? I may never fully understand that urge to stare death in the eye, but I know this latest documentary helps me better manage my anxiety when I’m parenting solo during Jack’s medically unstable times. I share this in the hopes of helping you too, no matter your circumstances, nor the obstacles you face.
1. Focus
“I’m not thinking about anything when I’m climbing, which is part of the appeal. I’m focused on executing what’s in front of me.”
Alex Honnold
To climb this way means absolutely nothing else can be in your mind except the task at hand. Alex Honnold cannot be worried about whether he’ll get tired an hour from now or torment himself about the very real possibility of death. He has to react to what’s in front of him. Anxiety would distort his perceptions and likely kill him.
Focusing on the task at hand is definitely my area of opportunity. My default mode tends towards anxiety. And as much as I try to control it through lifestyle, my tendency to worry will never fully disappear. Stressors outside of my control can rocket me into next level obsessing, especially when I’m tired.
Like when I awaken to thuds in Jack’s room each night and my mind leaps to worst case medical scenarios involving ambulance rides. I know this doesn’t serve me. I must instead learn from those who climb mountains and just breathe, go to Jack and react to what’s actually in front of me. Usually the thud is his way of telling me he needs to use the bathroom. Like Alex Honnold, I just need to lock into the task at hand and leave the rest of it alone.
2. Set yourself up for success
“If you’re climbing big routes that’ll take you 16 hours, or like, El Capitan, you’ll have to take something like a big robust sandwich.”
Alex Honnold
Whether free soloing or regular climbing, mountaineers know how to pack for the long haul. Even free soloers like Alex need to bring food. Experience teaches them what works and what doesn’t, so with every trip they can hone their supplies.
I knew this week would be hard because of Jack’s insomnia and therefore multiple nighttime diaper changes would result. His nighttime diapers require the addition of a Poise insert for additional protection. So every evening I assemble 4 nighttime diapers with the Poise inserts before bed and leave them outside his room. I think of this action as a gift to my future self. So as I stumble in the darkness to his room, I am grateful for my preparation. It is one less task I must do in a sleepy haze.
3. Be realistic
“There’s a constant tension in climbing, and really all exploration, between pushing yourself into the unknown, but trying not to push too far. The best any of us can do is to tread that line carefully.”
Alex Honnold
Climbers must be realistic about weather. Pushing through a storm can mean death. Sometimes they must set up a bivouac on the side of the mountain and wait out a multi-day storm instead of pushing on towards the summit and achieving their goals.
I must follow their example.
When I’ve dropped the kids off at school, part of me wants to either accomplish something or sit and luxuriate in the silence of my surroundings — not pass out for a few hours to regain my strength. Yet right now I must.
My circumstances hopefully won’t be life or death this week, but realistic expectations may help me deal with the fact that I won’t accomplish as much as I hope to. Much as those intrepid climbers sometimes miss their summits through circumstances outside themselves, I must allow myself the psychological freedom to do the same. Reduce my expectations of myself this week to just keeping us all clean, fed and alive. Anything else that I might accomplish is a bonus.
At first glance, mountain climbing and special needs caregiving couldn’t seem more different. Especially since these enthusiasts get outside way more than I ever can. Yet the traits of focus, planning and realistic expectations are tools we can apply to our own lives when we are overwhelmed and scared. These thoughts will come in handy for me, especially this week. And particularly in the wee hours of the morning, as I’m tired and hanging on by my fingertips, feeling like the dawn is 100 miles away.